I am putting an end to you

Dear (you know who you are),

You may not know or even care how you have effected my life, I am going to educate you. I was a child, not an adult, not even a teenager, I was a child. I had no choice but to let you in my life, I surely did put up a fight though. Did I have reason, no, just an intuition. As most children I did want to be loved and since we were sharing space, I wanted you to love me. I let you into my heart and actually loved you, not as a father, but close enough. After a while, I actually thought you were cool, you were a musician, you had great taste in music (well at least in the mind of an 8 year old). You really pulled me in, What's worse, you had my mom snowed, head over heels blind.

You were put in a position that you should have never been allowed to be in, well actually two. Who ever decided to make you a teacher was a moron, you were not qualified, and definatly not the right person to put in that position. Whether or not you were married to my mother you should never have been given the right to play the father roll in our home. We had a father and you were definatly not him. You did not earn the right to pretend to be him. You being put in these positions was only a small part your fault, where you hold fault is how you handled these posistions.

Somewhere you decided to fancy yourself a dietician of sorts and decided to use food as punishment, you also refused it in normal quantities. Again I was eight years old, but non the less a developing young lady. I was getting assets that most girls don't get till later in life and to be fair was also a chunky little girl, but I was happy. I wasn't being fed too much really or given the wrong foods, but I also was not told no too often either. You come along and just refuse everything. I had and still have hormonal problems that effected weight that had nothing to do with food.

Lets get off that subject for a minute though, I will get back to that. My mom is a good place to start, my mom was a very lonely person just looking for love, overwhelmed with caring for three young girls, and you preyed on her like a vulture. You treated her well at first, but then we had to witness you mistreat her on a regular basis. You ridiculed her, you humiliated her, abused her mentally, emotionally, and physically, whats worse it you caused her to be isolated in aspects from her family. That was really our only vision of marriage. That was our model for what a marriage was suppose to be. Great job! I will say this at this point, I don't know that you will read this,but my mother just recently found out that I have been looking for you, she doesn't want me to even think about you much less do this. I do know you have been trying to contact her. Leave her alone, you have done your damage, walk a way, leave her alone. She may not tell you this, but this will be one point of continuous contention with me. Leave her alone! No matter how I feel about you, what happens in my life, whatever, i will not ever allow you to hurt my mother anymore. Seriously, consider this a threat, call the police if you must, I am warning you. leave her alone.

Now back to me, You may not know this, but I have and have had learning disabilities, not major, but I have always had issues in school. I was spanked by you several times for asking my mom for help on my homework, you didn't want her to help me because you two were watching tv together. She was willing, but you wouldn't allow her. When I cried out of frustraition you spanked me, you didn't just spank me, but you lifted my skirt, pulled down my underwear and bare assed spanked me with a belt. Did I mention I was 8 years old.

Since we have touched on Diet and school lets put them together. As school didn't offer a lunch we brought our own. Dry Tuna 5 crackers and an apple. Healthy, yes, taste, no. Kids are kids and they trade lunches like colds. Can you believe someone would actually want to trade with me, but they did, I traded 1 half of my apple for a half of a ding dong. You caught me, and pulled me aside. Grabbed me by the arm and dragged me aside, and humiliated me infront of the whole school, then grounded me for 5 weeks. I couldn't have been more than 9, and I was grounded for 5 weeks, wow.

I mentioned my hormone issues, while living with you, I lost weight, I actually got down to an unhealthy weight, did I mention I was developing. My metabolism shot craps, and my bodies development was slowed. I have had so many problems in my life due to this. Serious medical problems, I am not saying that it was all your fault, you just made a major contribution. I not only really suffer twice a year with female hormonal issues, I have had a couple surgeries, and something called pcos, and my doctors have said that proper diet during my development, would have prevented some of this. Starvation of any type would have only make things worse. I have had 4 miscarrages because of these issues. Thank you for that.

Just so you know, these are not the only examples of how you hurt me, there is many many many more, but I know if I did some of these things to someone, and then it was put in my face, I might hate myself and want to die. I don't want you to feel that way. I do want you to feel remorse though. I can't make you feel that, but I hope that you would

I hear you lost your son recently, for that I am truely sorry. I really am, I liked Chris. If you havn't you might want to apologize to Nicky though, you treated her like shit. I remember well, I always wondered why you never saw them when you married my mom, did you just abandon them?

I remember my life with you so vividly, and it has effected my whole life. I have said that I would dance the day I heard you died. I have said that I hated you and I wanted to be the one to put the steak through your heart. It stops today.

I forgive you. You don't even have to be sorry, you have to deal with yourself. I forgive you. I release you from the hold you have had on my life, I am done with you. I forgive you.

I am married to an imperfect man who loves me more than I can tell you, we don't have a perfect life, but we truely care for each other. We have adopted the most wonderful little boy in the world, and he knows now and will always know we love him no matter what he does or looks like.

You can go on with your life and now I can go on with mine. I forgive you.

Sincerly,
Suzanne Michelle Ring Koelling