The Ninja Strikes again

The house was nice and quiet during the night when Suzanne and her husband Dan thought they would get some quiet time alone. As they put on the movie Paul Blart Mall Cop, they were ready to relax and shake off the days stress. Suzanne popped her head up positive she heard something, Dan said she was crazy, but she knew she had heard something.
Sneaking thru the house, she doesn't see anything, then she heard a giggle, where is this coming from? Behind the big comfy chair she finds it...the Ninja has escaped from his nightly holding cell (no he is not in jail or a crib, just his bedroom). Suzanne decided she did not need her house destroyed through the night. She found some Jingle Bells in a box they were packing Christmas stuff back into, and attached the bells to the door. He can't escape now without me hearing him.
Suzanne is so naive!
It was 1:30 am and our poor tuckered out Heroin feels pressure on her leg and pops up only to find the Ninja, sneaking in their bed. He wanted to "go ni night" with mommy and daddy. They were both too exhausted to argue so they let him in the middle and the three fell asleep together.
Morning comes early for Dan, and at 3 am the alarm goes off, the Ninja sleeps through it. Dan picks him up and carries him back to his bed. Kisses his wife and goes to work.
5:30 am the phone rings, it is Dan, wanting to let his wife know he made it to work ok through the snow and he was fine, Suzanne didn't get up to answer this call but she listened to him talk to the machine. She didn't want to move because the Ninja had made his way back to her bed and she did not want to disturb him.
7 am Suzanne jumps from the bed as she feels as though it was snowing in her house, as she felt cold moisture all around her. The Ninja watching cartoons on her bed, with Daddy's left behind root beer in hand. That's right, the moisture was root beer.
The surprise awaiting her was not anything she hadn't seen before, just different.
That's right, no syrup this time. NO becuase that would be too nice! This time we have ranch dressing, no real big deal right, why is he doing this! Suzanne walks in the kitchen to slip and fall, funny, she didn't see anything.
Suzanne has very bad knees, and really can't get up after this fall, and to make it worse it is as slippery as all get out, what is this stuff?

NO, it is not urine! It is oil, not just any oil, but her popcorn popper oil. This picture does not do the mess justice, this is just one of the most visible spots. Her couch covered in it.

Really, how does this happen without a sound?

Now it gets worse, I smell the ketchup as I get close to his room. (yes, at this point I am miffed beyond words and I am no longer refering to myself as Suzanne). So this is the floor in front of his bed.

So this is his bed, and I can't show you the worst of it, or I will lose my ever loving mind.

This is him in time out! He is not upset because he is in time out, he is mad because I took away his tv. Oh and yes, we are in hour 3 of trying to clean up the oil and trying to sit in time out for two minutes and mom trying so hard not to lose it.

Syrup: The most evil substance

Tuesday, a pretty easy day planned. The only real thing that had to be done before nap was Parents as Teachers and they are due around 10 am.
Timothy dressed and fed by 7:30, breakfast cleaned up and mommy dressed by 8:30, ok we are doing good kid. by 9:30 we had watched Blues Clues, played with our sticker book, and played puzzles. Great Day. I believe it was around 9:35ish when I made the mistake of my lifetime....
I went to the bathroom!!!
I really wasn't there that long, but somehow in the time I was in there long enough. I have called Timmy the Ninja Assassin for a while now because he is the most quiet when he is being destructive, and you seriously never know when it is going to hit.
I come out of the bathroom and was talking to him from the hallway and telling him about the rest of the day while walking thru our very small place. I stopped mid word when I saw it. Mind you he is sitting in front of the TV watching it as if nothing is wrong. I can't believe it. I see a brown liquid on the floor, no big deal he got a soda Dan left on the counter. Then I see the couch, it is covered in it, but wait, it is beaded up, normally that would just soak in. Further inspection: what is this? Brown Mustard? Seriously? Further inspection: Coffee Creamer? Parmesan Cheese? Did he empty my fridge? Ok, I wasn't in the bathroom that long because when I went back to the hallway to count to 10 it was only 9:40.
I have someone on there way to my house right now. Crap!
I quickly grab the mop only to discover that part of the brown mess was malt vinegar, so he literally did use all of my condiments that had been previously opened. Funny enough the Soda I thought he used was still sitting on the counter untouched.
The big brown mess, if you have not guessed, yup, syrup.
I am frantically mopping up the floor trying to make sure that no one gets hurt, I will get the couch next. While mopping, I get to Timothy's bedroom door, and look in, oh yes, it gets worse here. He has covered his bed, his floor and anything but his toys. NO We Wont Destroy Our Own Things, Just What Mom and Dad Care About!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I am cleaning the floor with extremely hot water to get up all the sticky, I stripped Timothy down to a diaper as he was a mess as well, I will get him dressed when I am done, I said to myself. I get a bowl of hot soapy water and a rag and start for the couch, I will have to get his room last. I have completely forgotten about the great start we had, and something else, I know I am forgetting something......Oh yes, Parents as Teachers!!!! She comes to the Door, I am now a mess, on my knees scrubbing the couch, My son is in white trash diaper mode covered in filth. I let her in only because it is 2 degrees outside and immediately explain my morning, so she doesn't think the worst, she laughs. I AM SO GLAD SHE THINKS IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE A COUPLE HOURS LATER, I CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT A SMILE!! Anyway I quickly cleaned him up and got him dressed so she could start with him as I am still scrubbing the couch. while she keeps watching and laughing, about what a "booger" he is. I am really going to have to punch this B&*%h! I finished the couch and they are coloring, so I strip his bed and sweep the Parmesan cheese up and mop his floor. She leaves, I give Timothy lunch and put him down for a nap in my bed, I stayed there until he was asleep and I was sure of it. I don't want the little Ninja to destroy anything else. 4 moppings away my floor is still sticky and my house reeks of vinegar, Hazelnut (coffee creamer), oh yes and the sickly sweet smell of maple that I usually love, but my home stinks! Is this normal behavior for a two year old, and how does he do it so quietly, I mean I didn't hear the fridge open, nothing. All I can say is I can't wait for my husband to come home and for my Mary Kay meeting tonight, I need the time away.

Top 5 reasons (real reasons) to want to keep your kids healthy

I am sitting at home right now with a sick kid who is driving me nutty. I started thinking, I really need to work harder to keep him healthy in order to not have to deal with this anymore. I am giving you my top 5 reasons why you should do this too.

1. you can't give your little ones medicine that is not prescribed until they are at least 4 according to most of them, therefore there is little relief for them.
Real meaning: there is definitely no relief for you.

2. Spurts of lethargy and then energy
Real meaning: clean up huge messes while they rest, get huge headache during energy bursts

3. Bodily Fluids
Really dirty diapers, SNOT, vomit,

4. uncontrollable crying
you really need to stop crying you will upset your child.

5. poor miserable baby
seriously disregard everything else and think do you really want to see your child sick

I would appreciate a rebuttal that would give me a guaranteed way to keep my little guy healthy all year round, any takers.

I want a hippopotamus for christmas

I know it is asking alot, but I deserve it. I have always dreamed big and things never happend for me, and although I said dreams can come true, but not for me. I decided it was my fault. Your dreams don't just happen, you have to work for them. Setting goals a goal is a dream you work for. Many people know that I have recently started selling Mary Kay, (eyes roll here), go ahead, I have never in my life met a group of women who showed me such unconditional love and support and expect nothing. I have learned so many life lessons while starting my business, it is amazing. I can tell you I know for sure that every failure that you come to will boost you up to your next win. You get out of it what you put in. You have to work for your dreams. Inch by inch it's cinch yard by yard it's hard or mile by mile it's a trial which ever you prefer.
I know it is cliche but it is true. I feel for once in my life I can succeed, but I also feel good about myself. That feeling is priceless.
Why I love my new job? Well I am allowed to say "no" to my "job" and be with my family when I need to. I can put God first. I get to be with women and make them feel wonderful. There is no other joy than making someone else feel great with a huge smile, even if it is just for a minute.
I would do it for nothing, if I had the resources. My dream that I am working toward for the Year 2010 is to earn enough money to quit working outside the home 100% and pay for my husband to go back to school, which is something he really wants, before Dec 15th. Sounds like a dream bigger than an elephant, but even an elephant can be eaten one bite at a time

whatever

I seriously need boundries, I let everyone dictate to me how to do things. I look like a flake because I don't know how to say no to anyone. Even when I assert myself people just act as if they know I will break and I usally do. I end up letting someone down somewhere. Usually the people I care about.

I need to put my family first, my husband and son, but I need to put my job first because that is what helps my family to survive. It is all so hard to balance.

I am not a fan of the women's movement, I believe that a woman can do everything a man can, but does that mean they should. Women are the nurturers, they should be able to take care of their families needs at home. Making sure that the family is loved and they are physically and emotionally fed. Keeping the nest. The men are supplyers, They are put here to guide the family and provide for the family, keep it stable when female hormones are going nuts. Men as a rule don't think with emotions, which in life is sometimes needed. When they emotions are needed is when a woman can whisper in a mans ear and change his mind.

Women should be able to stay home with and for their family's and take care of them if she wants. When the womens movement was such a success women lost the right to properly care for their families. If that is progress, I poo poo on progress. When you jump on a bandwagon ladies think of this you may have the right to be an auto mechanic, but while you are wrenching away, think about the people you actually pay to love your children for you. They are getting all the joy from your children and you get them in the evening maybe for dinner and bedtime. You miss their magic. Progress.

I don't know how I went from bounderies to this, but oh well you know I my mind works

on a lighter note

I am really finding something very cathartic about blogging. I love it!!! I don't care if you like my blog, I just like blogging. It makes me happy. It heals me.

The name of my blog...
I am a big girl, ok I am obese. But it is what it is. I have to shop at big girls stores. Lane Bryan was my favorite, then they came out with the Right Fit Jean, I am short and buying jeans is tough anyway, but the Right Fit Jean makes it impossible for me. They no longer sell any other type of Jean so I hate them and never go back. It has been almost two years. Then Fashion Butt I mean Bug, they also have the right fit jean, but they have other jeans so were cool. Well, we were. The bright minds at Fashion Slug have decided to rearrange the store, yes lets mix the big girls with the average and little girls clothes. As if shopping wasn't hard enough for women, it is 10 times more emotional and difficult for big girls, and now make them wade through close they will never fit in in hopes of finding something that will fit them. Ok, I left in tears no clothes. I will no longer shop there. I have ripped my work pants, where do I buy clothes? Ahhh!

So there, now you know.

I am putting an end to you

Dear (you know who you are),

You may not know or even care how you have effected my life, I am going to educate you. I was a child, not an adult, not even a teenager, I was a child. I had no choice but to let you in my life, I surely did put up a fight though. Did I have reason, no, just an intuition. As most children I did want to be loved and since we were sharing space, I wanted you to love me. I let you into my heart and actually loved you, not as a father, but close enough. After a while, I actually thought you were cool, you were a musician, you had great taste in music (well at least in the mind of an 8 year old). You really pulled me in, What's worse, you had my mom snowed, head over heels blind.

You were put in a position that you should have never been allowed to be in, well actually two. Who ever decided to make you a teacher was a moron, you were not qualified, and definatly not the right person to put in that position. Whether or not you were married to my mother you should never have been given the right to play the father roll in our home. We had a father and you were definatly not him. You did not earn the right to pretend to be him. You being put in these positions was only a small part your fault, where you hold fault is how you handled these posistions.

Somewhere you decided to fancy yourself a dietician of sorts and decided to use food as punishment, you also refused it in normal quantities. Again I was eight years old, but non the less a developing young lady. I was getting assets that most girls don't get till later in life and to be fair was also a chunky little girl, but I was happy. I wasn't being fed too much really or given the wrong foods, but I also was not told no too often either. You come along and just refuse everything. I had and still have hormonal problems that effected weight that had nothing to do with food.

Lets get off that subject for a minute though, I will get back to that. My mom is a good place to start, my mom was a very lonely person just looking for love, overwhelmed with caring for three young girls, and you preyed on her like a vulture. You treated her well at first, but then we had to witness you mistreat her on a regular basis. You ridiculed her, you humiliated her, abused her mentally, emotionally, and physically, whats worse it you caused her to be isolated in aspects from her family. That was really our only vision of marriage. That was our model for what a marriage was suppose to be. Great job! I will say this at this point, I don't know that you will read this,but my mother just recently found out that I have been looking for you, she doesn't want me to even think about you much less do this. I do know you have been trying to contact her. Leave her alone, you have done your damage, walk a way, leave her alone. She may not tell you this, but this will be one point of continuous contention with me. Leave her alone! No matter how I feel about you, what happens in my life, whatever, i will not ever allow you to hurt my mother anymore. Seriously, consider this a threat, call the police if you must, I am warning you. leave her alone.

Now back to me, You may not know this, but I have and have had learning disabilities, not major, but I have always had issues in school. I was spanked by you several times for asking my mom for help on my homework, you didn't want her to help me because you two were watching tv together. She was willing, but you wouldn't allow her. When I cried out of frustraition you spanked me, you didn't just spank me, but you lifted my skirt, pulled down my underwear and bare assed spanked me with a belt. Did I mention I was 8 years old.

Since we have touched on Diet and school lets put them together. As school didn't offer a lunch we brought our own. Dry Tuna 5 crackers and an apple. Healthy, yes, taste, no. Kids are kids and they trade lunches like colds. Can you believe someone would actually want to trade with me, but they did, I traded 1 half of my apple for a half of a ding dong. You caught me, and pulled me aside. Grabbed me by the arm and dragged me aside, and humiliated me infront of the whole school, then grounded me for 5 weeks. I couldn't have been more than 9, and I was grounded for 5 weeks, wow.

I mentioned my hormone issues, while living with you, I lost weight, I actually got down to an unhealthy weight, did I mention I was developing. My metabolism shot craps, and my bodies development was slowed. I have had so many problems in my life due to this. Serious medical problems, I am not saying that it was all your fault, you just made a major contribution. I not only really suffer twice a year with female hormonal issues, I have had a couple surgeries, and something called pcos, and my doctors have said that proper diet during my development, would have prevented some of this. Starvation of any type would have only make things worse. I have had 4 miscarrages because of these issues. Thank you for that.

Just so you know, these are not the only examples of how you hurt me, there is many many many more, but I know if I did some of these things to someone, and then it was put in my face, I might hate myself and want to die. I don't want you to feel that way. I do want you to feel remorse though. I can't make you feel that, but I hope that you would

I hear you lost your son recently, for that I am truely sorry. I really am, I liked Chris. If you havn't you might want to apologize to Nicky though, you treated her like shit. I remember well, I always wondered why you never saw them when you married my mom, did you just abandon them?

I remember my life with you so vividly, and it has effected my whole life. I have said that I would dance the day I heard you died. I have said that I hated you and I wanted to be the one to put the steak through your heart. It stops today.

I forgive you. You don't even have to be sorry, you have to deal with yourself. I forgive you. I release you from the hold you have had on my life, I am done with you. I forgive you.

I am married to an imperfect man who loves me more than I can tell you, we don't have a perfect life, but we truely care for each other. We have adopted the most wonderful little boy in the world, and he knows now and will always know we love him no matter what he does or looks like.

You can go on with your life and now I can go on with mine. I forgive you.

Sincerly,
Suzanne Michelle Ring Koelling